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Case of the Serial Outhouse Arsonist
An excerpt from "When the Game Gets Real"
An excerpt from "When the Game Gets Real"
It was only noon but It had
already been a long day. All Bert
wanted to do was take the
afternoon off, relax, get a beer,
maybe throw a ball for his dog.
But, there was no time to loiter,
a priority case had come in.
It was not Bert's usual gig. A call
from a highly placed city official,
who called in a favor, got Bert
involved. Bert had developed
valuable street cred, and his
sources would be useful.
Despite the obvious jokes, this
case required skilled sleuthing,
and Bert would plunge into it. He
would snake out the perp!
Who was the Toilet Torcher?
The Port-a-Potty Pyro? The
threat of the Torcher's return,
and the recent escalation with
an exploding port-a-potty, called
for immediate need. This need
urged Clorox to offer a hefty
reward, and urged a certain city
official to engage Bert's
services. The City's failure to
capture this local terrorist was
an embarrassment for the mayor
and stained the City's reputation.
Clorox and the mayor wanted
things cleaned up!
.
already been a long day. All Bert
wanted to do was take the
afternoon off, relax, get a beer,
maybe throw a ball for his dog.
But, there was no time to loiter,
a priority case had come in.
It was not Bert's usual gig. A call
from a highly placed city official,
who called in a favor, got Bert
involved. Bert had developed
valuable street cred, and his
sources would be useful.
Despite the obvious jokes, this
case required skilled sleuthing,
and Bert would plunge into it. He
would snake out the perp!
Who was the Toilet Torcher?
The Port-a-Potty Pyro? The
threat of the Torcher's return,
and the recent escalation with
an exploding port-a-potty, called
for immediate need. This need
urged Clorox to offer a hefty
reward, and urged a certain city
official to engage Bert's
services. The City's failure to
capture this local terrorist was
an embarrassment for the mayor
and stained the City's reputation.
Clorox and the mayor wanted
things cleaned up!
.
Bert checked his sources. The buzz a foot told of a lone terrorist. Some homeless
told of a strange bespectacled fellow seen wandering late at night. He wasn't the
usual wanderer...
His police sources told of evidence, not released to the press. The arsonist left a
signature. A live butterfly was left in a jar and placed prominently at each crime
scene.
told of a strange bespectacled fellow seen wandering late at night. He wasn't the
usual wanderer...
His police sources told of evidence, not released to the press. The arsonist left a
signature. A live butterfly was left in a jar and placed prominently at each crime
scene.
Bert went back to the office for
some basic background
investigation. (It's amazing how
much personal information people
will put on the Internet.) He was
looking for someone; maybe a
disgruntled sanitation worker, a city
employee who had lost his job.
(With the massive city deficit just
getting worse, people were being
laid off right and left!) His suspect
was probably suffering from
Myspacial dementia of Facebook
psychosis. The perp likely had
many virtual friends, but couldn't
connect in the real world. That's
why he worked under the cloak of
darkness. He hid, but wanted
bragging rights. That would explain
the signature. He would show
bravado in virtual space, and be
indistinguishable in life.
A key word search led to a blog,
and an entomologist. The same
seemingly fit Bert's developed
profile. Bert read on and on... Blogs
about the City and the City Council
meetings.
some basic background
investigation. (It's amazing how
much personal information people
will put on the Internet.) He was
looking for someone; maybe a
disgruntled sanitation worker, a city
employee who had lost his job.
(With the massive city deficit just
getting worse, people were being
laid off right and left!) His suspect
was probably suffering from
Myspacial dementia of Facebook
psychosis. The perp likely had
many virtual friends, but couldn't
connect in the real world. That's
why he worked under the cloak of
darkness. He hid, but wanted
bragging rights. That would explain
the signature. He would show
bravado in virtual space, and be
indistinguishable in life.
A key word search led to a blog,
and an entomologist. The same
seemingly fit Bert's developed
profile. Bert read on and on... Blogs
about the City and the City Council
meetings.
One read, "...The fools in the City Planning Dept. continue to allow development, building in
overbuilt areas and areas that are environmentally at risk. The city is disregarding our open
spaces and forever changing important ecosystems; effecting all species down to the smallest
insect...." Bert read more rants, that soon became typical,all signed, "The Doctor".
Well, Bert knew "The Doctor" was certainly delusional. Everyone knew of the City's strict
zoning ordinances and regulations to protect the open spaces, as well as the all important
skyline. Developers had to jump through hoops to get a project approved. We won't even talk
about the views on protecting the environment!
Bert found his suspect! The Doctor! The Bug Doc! The Doc apparently lost a federally funded
grant to study bugs. Public records revealed that his wife left him. He had alimony and child
support, and even a restraining order. It appeared in desperation he took a job in the
sanitation department. Quite a few rungs down for the Doc, but it looked like things were okay
for a while, at least no public records were filed. The wife and kids even came back. As the
gravitational pull would have it, the tides changed once again. (No doubt prompted by the
Enron fiasco, the banking fiasco, the real estate disaster, and all the other falling dominos
which have led to our current financial crisis!) Federal funds were cut, state funds cut, the City
already financially distressed cut back even further. (Another result was the inordinate
amount of traffic and parking citations to generate funds. Of which the good Doc suffered
several.) Well, the Doc again found himself unemployed. And, as his wife said,
"unemployable!". She and the kids left yet again.
Bert continued his research long into the afternoon. He located the Doc, without ever having
left his desk. (Which did sadden the dog, somewhat.) Bert noted, "It looks like some evening
surveillance is in order." The dog wagged his tail.
overbuilt areas and areas that are environmentally at risk. The city is disregarding our open
spaces and forever changing important ecosystems; effecting all species down to the smallest
insect...." Bert read more rants, that soon became typical,all signed, "The Doctor".
Well, Bert knew "The Doctor" was certainly delusional. Everyone knew of the City's strict
zoning ordinances and regulations to protect the open spaces, as well as the all important
skyline. Developers had to jump through hoops to get a project approved. We won't even talk
about the views on protecting the environment!
Bert found his suspect! The Doctor! The Bug Doc! The Doc apparently lost a federally funded
grant to study bugs. Public records revealed that his wife left him. He had alimony and child
support, and even a restraining order. It appeared in desperation he took a job in the
sanitation department. Quite a few rungs down for the Doc, but it looked like things were okay
for a while, at least no public records were filed. The wife and kids even came back. As the
gravitational pull would have it, the tides changed once again. (No doubt prompted by the
Enron fiasco, the banking fiasco, the real estate disaster, and all the other falling dominos
which have led to our current financial crisis!) Federal funds were cut, state funds cut, the City
already financially distressed cut back even further. (Another result was the inordinate
amount of traffic and parking citations to generate funds. Of which the good Doc suffered
several.) Well, the Doc again found himself unemployed. And, as his wife said,
"unemployable!". She and the kids left yet again.
Bert continued his research long into the afternoon. He located the Doc, without ever having
left his desk. (Which did sadden the dog, somewhat.) Bert noted, "It looks like some evening
surveillance is in order." The dog wagged his tail.
Bert had quite a stable of vehicles which he used for the
job. He could blend into most any neighborhood, and never
be seen. On this particular evening he chose his reliable
and inconspicuous surveillance Vanagon. He calls her
"Trusty."
He loaded up his gear, whistled for his dog, and was ready
to go.
job. He could blend into most any neighborhood, and never
be seen. On this particular evening he chose his reliable
and inconspicuous surveillance Vanagon. He calls her
"Trusty."
He loaded up his gear, whistled for his dog, and was ready
to go.
Copyright 2009
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